


See? She's Her Lobster!

by kikitheslayer



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/F, Friends AU, Secret Relationship, anyway this has been burning a hole in my WIP folder, as in the show friends, i mean a little?, its secret but everyone in the fic knows about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 23:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6350464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikitheslayer/pseuds/kikitheslayer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Friends season 5, episode 14: The One Where Everybody Finds Out.</p><p>Amy, Charles, and Jake mess with Gina and Rosa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	See? She's Her Lobster!

**Author's Note:**

> So, if you've never seen the episode, you can still read the fic. Although some lines, particularly in the penultimate scene, are directly copied from the script.

Rosa and Gina were secretly dating. Or hooking up. Or something.

The specifics didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that three months ago, Gina had sent Jake and Amy an email with the word “urgent” in the subject line -- an email which had read “Ur relationship has gotten real boring. Consider adding some drama. Please & thank you -- the entire 99th precinct of the NYPD.”

Now, Amy knew how she was going to claim her revenge.

After all, the lovebirds didn’t _know_ they knew.

\--

Jake got into character first. His name was Jake Cunningham, and he was a jet setting playboy-slash-douchebag with a mysterious past. 

...Unfortunately, that didn’t do much to calm his nerves or change the fact that he was dizzy and uncomfortably aware of his own breathing. So, instead, he took a moment to shut his eyes tight, breathe, and focus on the fact that Amy probably wouldn’t let him die.

He approached Rosa’s desk, tugging a folding chair. Its metal legs scraped against the floor. He whirled it around and sat down, his arms resting on top of the backrest. “Rosa,” he said, his voice about an octave lower than normal. “What’s in the case file… girl?”

“B and E,” she said, shrugging. “Pretty open and shut.” She looked up suspiciously. “Why? You want to take it off my hands?”

He leaned forward, lowered his voice until it was a hoarse whisper, and said, “Actually I was thinking _I’ve_ got something you might want to take off your hands.” He raised an eyebrow for effect.

She didn’t even look angry, just confused. But Rosa Diaz confused, where it could turn into anger at a moment’s notice. “Excuse me?”

He sat back up and waved a hand. “I stand by what I said.”

There was a moment’s pause, and he could tell from the look in her eyes and the tightening of her brow that anger was drawing closer as the seconds ticked by. Quickly, he said, “What do you say, Rosa? Amy’s skipping date night tonight to go to her mom’s dumb birthday, so that’s basically over. I’m thinking you could come over, I’ll get a bottle of wine and a Train CD... And then we can... get to know each other a little better.” Just in case, he added, “I’m talking sex-wise.”

“Jake, what the hell--”

“Anyway think about it!” He jumped up and ran away. Amy was waiting for him in the hallway. He ran into her arms. “I want lots of jewels at my funeral,” he whispered.

\--

When Rosa told her, Gina didn’t even look up from her makeup kit. She scoffed. “Jake did not hit on you.”

Rosa crossed her arms and leaned against the wall of Babylon. “He invited me over. He literally used the word sex.”

Gina leaned forward, peered into the mirror, and blinked into her mascara brush. “Okay, babe, trust me. Jake does not want to have sex with you.”

Rosa rolled her eyes. “Thanks.”

“Relax,” replied Gina, busying herself with selecting a lipstick, “I do, and I’m cooler than him.”

Rosa smiled. “True.” She paused, looking up at the ceiling. “Something…” she started. Suddenly, she stopped again. “Gina,” she said, turning suddenly and resting a hand on the other woman’s shoulder, “they know.”

“What?” Gina looked up. “No way. We’ve been way too sneaky.”

“Sex, Gina.”

Gina dropped her lipstick and leaned forward. “Bitch, they know!”

\--

“I feel dirty.”

Gina shushed her. She continued dusting blush on Rosa cheeks and said, “Just remember: you’re better at this than he is.”

\--

Jake was working at his desk when Rosa approached him. “Hey,” she said. She grinned, but it came off like a snarl. “I’ll come over at six.” She cocked her head and leaned forward, resting her palms on the edge of his desk. “That Train CD better have Soul Sister on it.”

He gulped. “You better believe it, sis-- sex... partner.”

“Good.” She stood up and crossed her arms. “I’m glad.”

“Well,” said Jake, mimicking her, “I’m glad you’re glad.”

“I am.”

“Good.”

“Well… I’ll see you at six.”

“I look forward to it.”

She walked away, and Gina fell in step beside her. “I take it back. You are equally as bad at this.”

\--

Gina leaned in and kissed Rosa quickly. “You’re gorgeous. Now go in there and win this thing.”

“Gina,” said Rosa, not a trace of joking in her voice. “How far are we going to go with this?”

Gina rolled her eyes. “He’ll back down first. Don’t worry. I’ll be right in the hallway listening to everything.”

“That fills me with confidence.”

\--

Jake tapped the kitchen counter nervously. “I can’t do this!” he cried.

“Well,” said Amy, “you’re going to have to. We are _not_ losing.”

Charles looked up from where he was lighting candles and said, “Come on, Jake. You _ooze_ charisma. Rosa’s not going to know what hit her.”

Amy nodded. “Listen to Charles, Jake. You’re going to win this thing.”

He walked around the counter and stood directly in front of her. “Amy. I’m not cheating on you.”

She said slowly, “And that’s very reassuring, _but not if we lose_.”

Charles joined them. “I’ve got an idea,” he said. He leaned forward and in one fluid motion pulled open the top buttons of Jake’s shirt.

Amy nodded in approval. “Good move, Charles.”

Jake looked between them incredulously, eventually lingering on Charles. “How did you do that so well?”

There was a loud knock at the door.

Charles and Amy both gave him a final hurried once-over before they scurried into the bathroom.

Jake gulped, adjusted his now-open shirt, and walked to the door. “Rosa,” he announced, bowing slightly.

She shoved past him. “Happy about all the sex we’ll be having.” If she was surprised by his bare chest, or the apartment full of candles, she didn’t show it. She whirled around. She was wearing a black dress and carrying a bottle of cheap wine. She didn’t look enthusiastic, but she didn’t look wholly freaked out, either. “Should we get straight into it?”

“Right,” started Jake, “about that--” He stopped. “Do you want a drink?”

“Way ahead of you.” She made herself at home in his kitchen, digging through a drawer until she found a corkscrew and pulling two wine glasses out of his cabinet. She poured two very full glasses and took a large gulp, followed closely by the rest of the glass. Jake followed suit.

Emboldened, he said, “I knew you would come. No one says no to Jake Cunningham.” He paused, then said, “Would you like to see what I learned in Barcelona?”

Suddenly nervous, she blurted, “I was thinking you could massage me.”

He sighed in relief. “That… sounds good. I’ll go get the lotion, shall I?”

She poured another glass of wine. “Yes. Thank you. Take your time.”

He walked casually to the bathroom and shut the door. Inside, he gave Charles and Amy a horrified expression. “She wants me to rub lotion on her!” he whispered.

“So do it!” cried Amy.

“This is insane!”

She leaned forward and whisper-yelled, “ _This is war!_ ”

He took a step back and rubbed his forehead. After a moment, he took a look around and said, “Did you clean up in here?”

Amy shrugged and nodded.

“The lotion?” prompted Charles.

Jake threw his hands into the air. “Have I ever led you to believe I could afford lotion?”

Charles sighed deeply and reached into his bag. “Fine, take mine.” He offered Jake a small round canister.

Jake nodded at it approvingly. “Wow, buddy, you really came prepared.”

Charles beamed. “I love a good seduction.”

“Strange, and not what this is, but thank you.”

There was the sound of footsteps from the main room, and Amy and Charles shooed Jake away.

\--

Holding another full wine glass, Rosa ran into the hall. It sloshed dangerously. “Gina!” she cried, slipping the door shut. “He’s in the bathroom pretending the walls aren’t thin enough for me to hear him whisper-yelling with Amy and Boyle.”

Gina clapped her hands together. “I knew they were in on it.”

“Focus. He wants to rub lotion on me.”

“Is that his move?” Gina shook her head. “Oh, Jake.”

Rosa took a sip. “I suggested it to stall. This is getting way too real.”

Gina snapped her fingers in Rosa’s face. “Rosa, we are not losers. Jake and Amy, they are losers. Now do you want to prove that we are the top couple in the 99 or not?”

Rosa rolled her eyes. “Fine. But only for you.”

\--

Jake was just leaving the bathroom just as Rosa entered the apartment. They both pretended not to notice.

“I’ve got the lotion,” he announced. “I use lotion all the time. No big deal.”

“Great,” she said, setting down her glass and stepping forward. “So I guess all that’s left now is to… kiss…”

He nodded solemnly. “Right. So we should do that, I’m guessing.”

“I guess you’re right.” She sighed and met him in the middle of the room.

Jake waved his hands awkwardly in the air before settling one on Rosa’s shoulder and the other on her head. “Oh no,” he said, grinning.

She chuckled briefly. She gulped. Then, like he was holding a trigger, she said, “Go ahead and do it.”

Tentatively, they both leaned forward, shaking and sweaty. Their lips brushed slightly.

Rosa shoved him slightly and jumped backwards. “Okay, okay!” she cried. “You win. I can’t have sex with you.”

Jake heaved a sigh of relief. He placed his hands on his hips. “And why not?” He demanded, gloating.

Without thinking, she cried, “Because I’m in love with Gina!”

There was a moment of heavy silence as Jake’s eyebrows threatened to jump off his face and Rosa, eyes wide, turned to the apartment door.

It opened slowly, as did the bathroom door, and as people slowly trickled into the main room Rosa, directing it at no one in particular, said, “I-I love her. That’s right. I _love_ her!”

Swallowing, she met Gina in the middle of the room. Gina wrapped her arms around her. Encouraged, Rosa said, “I love you, Gina.”

Gina grinned. “I love you, too, Rosa.” To everyone else, she said, “This counts as winning.”

Rosa rolled her eyes and kissed her.

“Aw,” cried Charles, “I just thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!”

Rosa smirked. Pulling away from Gina, though only slightly, she nodded and said, “Hats off to Jake, quite a competitor.”

He nodded, smiling.

“Also put on your shirt.”

Jake quickly did so. Amy offered her own congratulations. And soon, Gina and Rosa were more than ready to go home.

\--

In the hall outside jake's apartment, Gina slipped her hand into Rosa's. "So, number five. I better not turn out like your dumb grandpa."

Rosa smiled at the floor. "I'll never regret you."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a quote from Friends season 2 episode 14, The One with the Prom Video. "It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life."


End file.
